I am feeling like such a huge hypocrite today. Who am I kidding? I have been feeling this way for months! I have shied away from even writing here… the pain was so harsh, the shame so deep. So today is the day that I pull back the curtain… Brace yourself.
PTSD is a monster. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The one demon that we cannot seem to conquer, to break free from. Although our reconciliation is a miraculous thing, there has not been much of a happily ever after for us yet. Not for lack of trying though, I assure you. After three very intense overseas deployments, my husband is scarred. He is changed. He is at war inside himself.
The result… Our family is often at war with each other. My marriage often feels more like a war zone than a partnership. And for the three years since his last return home, I have had a front row seat to the dark progression that is Post. Traumatic. Stress. Disorder. All of which has come to an impossible “head” within the last 72 hours.
The choice… To have to choose between staying in my marriage and protecting my children from the war zone is an absolutely impossible choice! They do not understand any of this. They just feel the fear, the hurt, the chaos that seems to surround us for now.
The solution… I am hopeful that there is an existing solution. An answer to all the pain. For all of us. After many hours of prayer, tears, pleading, and weeping, last night my soldier finally agreed that this was a problem bigger than us both. He has finally agreed to go for “help.” After an unbearable ultimatum. I hate ultimatums. But I had to give him one. Either we go for counseling, for healing, together…TOGETHER… or the children and I would have to move away.
My fingers still shake from saying…writing… thinking those words…
I am so raw today.
My face is swollen.
My eyes ache.
My heart aches.
I am grasping… clinging… death-gripping the very hope that we may finally be on our way out of this dark pit. This place of horror and pain that has consumed the man I love.
I am begging you to pray with us. I am asking for your compassion, your prayers, your encouragement. Not your judgment, condemnation, or criticism. Please pray for true healing in the very depths of my husband’s heart and soul.
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I am living proof of how the Lord can take a broken life and turn it into something beautiful. Although I am still very far from perfection, I am still a work of His art. My heart's prayer is that "Brokenness into Beauty" will be a source of inspiration and encouragement to all! There is hope, and there is healing on the horizon.
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Mandy,
((hugs)) I’m so praying for you all right now. Lifting you up to Jesus. I’m so sorry you’re all having to go through this dark, dark time. Praying peace, comfort, freedom from the war within, healing, completeness, wholeness to your entire family.
Much love to you my friend.
Mary
I am so sorry. Praying with you for healing….
I will pray for you and your family. PSTD is awful … I believe with a good counselor and a lot of patience and a willingness to ‘be together’ in the process you will find hope.
Also in saying that if you should ever feel you must leave I pray you won’t be shamed or criticised for one cannot know the depth of your pain or heart ache unless they have lived in your home with you.
Thank you for reaching out for prayer.
Please let us know how you are… and continue to be…
a friend in Oregon who is praying.
I appreciate your transparency. I love honest, raw people. And I know that if we ever have a chance to meet in real life, it would be awesome!! I would love to give you a big hug!!!!!
I have not been following your blog lately, so this is the first I’ve come on here to read about all this. I am lifting you at the feet of Jesus today. Praying for complete and deep healing for your husband, for you, for your marriage, and for your kids. Please let me know if there is anything I can do.
Marcy´s last [type] ..Banana flax muffins
My heart ached for you as I read this, Mandy. From one who knows exactly what it’s like to not only experience pstd myself (although I’m sure not in the same way as your husband), but also try to deal with not finding that ‘happily ever after’ in marriage yet due to my husband’s problems as well….I definitely feel your hurt and pain. Even though God has done so much it seems sometimes like we’ll just never get to that place of total healing for either of us. I hope and pray that you will both find the help and peace you need in the days to come. I will also be praying for you to have courage to make the hard decisions that you’re facing and most of all for the Lord to work a miracle for your family. Rest assured that there is at least one person out there who has complete compassion for what you’re going through….no judgement or criticism here! Please don’t ever feel ashamed for being real about your life not being perfect. It not only encourages us to realize that not everyone else has it all figured out either, but can hopefully help you to see that as well.
hugs and much love,
Tyra
Praying for all of you.
Feeling sick for you as you cling to your family. Praying for healing. Can’t imagine the hurt!
I will be praying!
Jennifer´s last [type] ..Another Week of Revival
I have come to realize one fact, that GOD IS THE ONLY HEALER, if only we can find strenght in him. pls, draw your strenght from GOD, and HE will not let you down at this particular time. He won’t allow your family to witness corruption, HE will heal you and bind you together again.
Praying with you, for you.
HOPE!
We have it because of JESUS!
Hugs
Netta´s last [type] ..Things overheard at our house 2
oh mandy. . .i am praying for you guys right at this moment and will continue to pray for you guys. thank you for your honesty. for your authenticity. vulnerability. i pray the Lord will wrap His arms around you tight so that you can physically feel the squeeze and that He would just cover you and your family in the shadow of His wings. . .that He would bring healing and get every single solitary ounce of glory!
Hey lady, we are praying for you.
mary duncan´s last [type] ..Not enough Time & A Great Giveaway
My heart ached as I read this! I am praying with you and for you today! I pray that God will wrap you and your family in His loving arms and that you will feel a peace that is beyond your circumstances!
Lisa @ Simplified Saving´s last [type] ..Safe Social- A New way to Keep Your Kids Safe Online!
Mandy,
I just found your blog today because of your guest post at Keeping the Kingdom First. Praise God for your transparency that has blessed so many and might help so many. Praise God for your husband’s desire to seek help, even it it was through an ultimatum…God works in ways all His own. I am praying that you will be kept in His PERFECT peace now and in the days ahead. May your family be a shining light and hope for others in what our AMAZING God can do. You are a very brave woman…may God give your strength and wisdom in every moment.
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Mandy,
Thank you so much for sharing. I will be praying for you and your family. I shared your blog with my friend who is currently going through a divorce for this same reason. However, her husband isn’t saved, so her situation is a little different. Her husband has been diagnosed with PTSD and is now an alcoholic thanks to two intense tours. He also leaves in Sept for a third tour.
Shelly Brooks´s last [type] ..My Love
You brought me to tears. I’ve been at that point before, not knowing what to do, but knowing that I cannot stay in the marriage the way it was. My husband and I were both so against getting divorced, but I was wondering what else is there? Three years later, we’re stronger than we were, we’re closer than we were, and we’re more determined than we were. It didn’t involve PSTD, so I can’t even imagine that being a factor. I will be praying for both of you and your children. I found a great Christian counselor who really “got it”. She was amazing, but it was nothing more than God’s word. We were already Christians, actively going to church, praying daily….but we didn’t have it all figured out like we thought we did. Looking back, we were living for ourselves, not putting our neighbor first. We were not in God’s word enough, nor communing with Him in prayer often enough. We were not trusting Him, instead trying to be in control ourselves. My counselor guided me to increase my prayer life,to be in His Word more, and to trust in Him that He did not make a mistake bringing my husband and I together. I’m by no means saying you’re not doing these things, this is just my testimony. Things have so changed. I was ready to leave, tired of the house full of hatred and resentment. Now we are closer to oneness, closer to God, and more determined to not let Satan win. I pray for peace for you now, in knowing God is in control. I pray that He will protect you from the hurts caused by divorce. I pray that God will bring your husband true healing and reconciliation. I pray that forgiveness and healing can take place between you two. I pray for a stable foundation for your children and you, the Rock that only God is. Peace be with you, hugs.
“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” Romans 8:1. Many prayers go up for your family!
Mandy, sweetie, you’ve done just what needed to be done. Your husband, your children, and your heart, all needed someone to speak truth about the situation. That’s what you did. Sometimes we need tender love and care, other times we need tough love and care. You’ve done the tough part by not letting it lie, now comes the tender love and care our Father is going to pour out over your family and marriage, your heart and your husband’s. Keep in line with His will for you all to be made whole! I’m praying with you!
Sending thoughts, prayers and well wishes to you and your family.
Kimberly´s last [type] ..Community Action Programs
Mandie, Your story sounded familiar, There is HOPE! I had to separate from my husband last summer ,physically and emotionally , we still lived in the same house for most of it, he had been emotionally and physically abusive, only on occasion, over our 16 years of marriage. However, I knew I couldn’t live with it any more and my ultimatum was intense counseling and preventing abusive relationships counseling, 24 week program and not reconciling until I saw change in him for a period of time. It was the hardest thing I ever did! It was harder to see that he didn’t see that he had a problem. It took 3 months before he agreed to go to counseling on the abuse. It’s been a year since we have reconciled and he’s learned how to handle his anger in a constructive way, and we have worked on many issues that were swept under the rug due to his anger. We are working towards a healthy relationship, and I learned that Jesus is my All!!! And for my children and myself, I spoke the truth in Love to my husband and thru much prayer and waiting on the Lord, He is helping us heal and grow.
Bless you, Beth, for your stance and your faith! I’m glad to here that YOU are working towards good things, rather than giving up and walking away. That is so encouraging to me as well!!
i have no words for how much your painful transparency means to me right this moment. holding you in my heart today, mandy… thank you for putting yourself out there like you did.
@alece, Thank you so much, Alece… YOUR story has touched my heart in such familiar ways! I so appreciate your thoughts and prayers! Please know I am doing the same for you! {hugs}
You and I did not get to talk about this when we met, but I want you to know that I truly understand and I am praying for you, right now. My husband had PTSD from a different experience, but it was difficult nonetheless.
Bless you for being transparent, back when you first wrote this post, and today when you retweeted, as it is obviously still a strong battle for you. But our God is bigger, I promise!
(((HUGS)))
Bernice
Living the Balanced Life´s last [type] ..Begin again- each and every day
I hear your struggle. Your words convey your pain.
Marriage is marriage. Just let it be.
Live your life loving God and knowing Jesus Christ is your Lord, every day.
I have struggled and struggled with marriage. When I stopped struggling and said, “I’m married. I will stay married. That is that. I’ll deal with the struggles as they come or go, but I’m married.” Then God opened doors and hearts.
Our secular world preaches and teaches divorce cures problems. It doesn’t.
Praying for you both.