Timing

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My mother likes to tell the story of my birth, but she has a unique spin on it.  I came into this world seven weeks prematurely.  Though it was a scary time for my parents, in hindsight now, my mom says it was predictive of the future.  I tend to operate on my own schedule, and most times I’m in a hurry to accomplish something or get to where I think I should be going.

Another story my wonderful mother tells on me is that of when I started to walk.  She loves to laugh and talk about how I would toddle around for a step or two before falling, at which point I would smack the hands of anyone who tried to come to my aid.  I was determined to do things by myself.  Again, very predictive of what the future would look like.

I am strong-willed, determined, perfectionistic, and independent.

While my Heavenly Father created me with each of these characteristics in place, I have polished them up over the years to be much more than He had in mind, I believe.  That is not a good thing.  Instead, these ever-growing personality traits have become my crutches in life.  My reason for doing what I want to do, when I want to do it.  My justification for my actions, when my plan-of-action falls through.

Though God’s timing is always perfect, mine is most certainly flawed.

There is no greater example of my flawed schedule than a decision I made at the ripe old age of seventeen.  I had met him, and I knew in my heart there was a good chance that he was the one.  Rather than waiting for God to work in his life and draw him in, I relied on my fallible timing and sped through an incredible whirlwind relationship coupled with a rushed profession of faith on his part.  No time for either of us to grow up – physically, emotionally, or spiritually.

I thought I was in control of it all… I could make it work.

My timing was off – way off.  My determination, my desperation to belong and be needed, cost our marriage and family the foundation it deserved.  I sought for completion and connection with a man not ready to be that – not for me or for anyone.  He couldn’t complete me because God hadn’t completed him yet.  Timing worked against us, despite my best efforts.  The more time I gave our marriage, the more time I took to try to fix what was broken, the worse things became.

As time dragged on, he became less and less worth the time and effort to me.

I shut down – emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I gave up hope.  Again, I chose my own timing for resolution, and I walked away.  There was little good left, lots of bad, and even more ugly… And I chose to walk away. I spent my time moving forward, without my partner, rather than using that time to pray for him and for God’s healing and direction.

It took time to tear us apart.  It took time to keep us apart.  It took even more time for us to learn.

In God’s timing, I learned to trust Him.  In God’s timing, I learned to forgive him.  In God’s timing, His perfect, flawless, infallible timing came sweet restoration.

Related posts:

1. The Story of Us

Tagged as: Family, Love, Marriage, Restoration